A Little "Attic" Humor

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A LITTLE ATTIC HUMOR

Today is April 27, 2004 and had a busy weekend catching up on some things like replacing the attic fan motor pulley and oiling the bearings of which I need to replace the motor but it will survive until cold weather.  I can truly say I know about how a sardine feels inside one of those tin plated metal flat rectangular containers.  The reason I can make that statement is the fact the opening inside one of the closets is 17 5/8 inches square that allows access to the attic.  In the closet above the clothing rod is an upper shelf that is less that two (2) feet below this small opening.  It was enough of a hassle to get my large frame, ok fat frame, big boned or if you are really weight sensitive “stout” frame onto the shelf to begin with and then inch myself through the opening and somehow pull myself into the attic.  This was the easy part, not to mention crawling on my knees from ceiling joist to ceiling joist and hoping that I didn’t loose my balance and fall through the sheet rock breaking bone and limb on the first level.  I guess the pull down attic stairs/ladder hadn't been invented when this house was built in 1956 and the construction crew members weighted less than 125 pounds soaking wet.

As I stated, that was the easy part.  The hard part is like the instructions you get with taking a piece of equipment apart for repairs following steps A through H and then to put the thing back together; the following is usually spelled out:  Reverse steps H through A and will a mild case of intermittent dyslexia or it could be that date on my birth certificate, a daylight hours nightmare in the making!

So here I go, crawling back to the opening and by now the attic temperature is over a hundred degrees and I can’t see because of all the sweat running off my forehead pouring right into my eye balls and now my visibility is about one foot or less.  When I finally arrived at the attic entry/exit hole that now has shrunk to the size of a postage stamp and I can’t remember exactly how I positioned myself into it from the shelf in the closet.  My first attempt got me through the opening and onto the shelf but I could not turn around.  Now, I felt like one of those raccoons caught in my live trap.

I had to calm myself down because there was no way I was getting off the closet shelf because I was facing the wrong direction.  Don’t ask me how but I got off the shelf facing forward when I should have been turned the other direction.  You can rest assured, the next trip I make into the attic crawl space replacing the damaged pulley, that I backed into the opening and backed out off the shelf but having your leg hanging off the closet shelf suspended in mid air “feeling” for a rung on the ladder is not good for the blood pressure.  It was a most wonderful feeling when my right foot finally made contact with the ladder at the correct place.  Wheeewwww!

With that out of the way, the ole Robin weed eater was quickly serviced with a “shake and bake” job of blowing debris from the machine with about 40 lbs. of air pressure and mixing a fresh gallon of gas/oil mixture.  The weed eater was filled with gas three (3) times that day and those were some intense hours slinging the weeds, sticks, rocks, pine cones, etc. seemingly right onto my arms or across and onto my face leaving several whelps.  I forgot to mention that I still had flashbacks of last fall’s weed eater experience when ground nesting yellow jackets not only ran me out of the back yard but also ran me out of my clothing while running full speed toward the house and I was still attached to the weed eater by the shoulder strap.  That would have been a ten thousand dollar video winner for sure!  Seven (7) yellow jackets managed to deposit their venom and a few left their stingers still attached and the stingers were still pumping venom without the benefit of their own bodies which I had slapped and thrashed off my person.

The lounge chair and/or couch is definitely call my name and I plan to answer as soon as possible.

Web published by Bill aka Mickey Porter 11-10-12.

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